Monday, September 27, 2010
Where Did Respect Go?
That's the title of my upcoming blog, but it's not quite ready yet. I have a lot to say about this subject, and it is going to take a bit longer to make sure I word it just right so as not to offend anyone. I'll post on Facebook when this future masterpiece is ready!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Mental Notes From Now On!
As my regular readers know by now some of my funniest blog material comes from my interactions with students at the learning center in which I tutor part time. This past Saturday I gathered material for what was to be an epic blog choc full of laughs. Unfortunately, my carelessness would lead to the following very embarrassing situation. In order to ensure that my material is relayed to my readers as accurately as possible I often jot down notes of the many funny and unusual things my students say or do. This is exactly what I was doing this past Saturday.
It is important to note before continuing that very few people know that I write this blog, which makes what happens even more embarrassing. It just so happens that this past Saturday I happened to tutor one of the strangest kids east of the Mississippi. I took a buttload of notes during the hour in which I was with him. All of the notes reference the many bizarre things he kept talking about. Here's the problem...I accidently left my notes and my work schedule for next week in a draw by my table. I did not realize I had left them behind until later that night. I immediately began freaking out and hoping beyond hope that I could get to the learning center Monday afternoon before anyone had a chance to go into that drawer.
Well...you guessed it. When I arrived at 3:00 to pick up the left behind notes there was only one employee working. This particular employee has no clue that I write this blog. As I entered the building I said the following, "Hey, I left my schedule in my drawer." To which she replied, "Yeah...I just saw your schedule and some paper with weird stuff written on it. I put them both in your box." I was horrified knowing that she had read my notes, because the notes read out of context make it seem like I'm a raving lunatic. I thought about trying to explain what the notes were, but could not think of a way to do so that would not make me seem like more of a psycho.
If at this point you think that I'm overreacting, here is exactly what is written in my notes. Imagine what the poor girl reading the following, who has no idea what the notes refer to, was thinking about me as she read these.
1. All weapons and army stuff from flea market for $5
2. Red haired sister...looks like Chucky, but her skin is not made of plastic
3. put on some muscle
4. torture terrorists
5. do for country, greatest country
6. arthritis popping knuckles
7. no lock on bedroom door
8. caramel on lips, so I don't need anymore twix
9. I wiped so much caramel on my pants they look like they do when me and my dad walk in the
Tar River
10. AC/DC Highway to Hell
11. teacher dug fingernails into my hands, and I still don't know how she is not in jail for child
abuse
What you just read were all things the student talked about during our hour together, but the poor girl at the learning center must now think that I am some delusional madman that records his mind rants!!
Any suggestions on how to make this situation better?
It is important to note before continuing that very few people know that I write this blog, which makes what happens even more embarrassing. It just so happens that this past Saturday I happened to tutor one of the strangest kids east of the Mississippi. I took a buttload of notes during the hour in which I was with him. All of the notes reference the many bizarre things he kept talking about. Here's the problem...I accidently left my notes and my work schedule for next week in a draw by my table. I did not realize I had left them behind until later that night. I immediately began freaking out and hoping beyond hope that I could get to the learning center Monday afternoon before anyone had a chance to go into that drawer.
Well...you guessed it. When I arrived at 3:00 to pick up the left behind notes there was only one employee working. This particular employee has no clue that I write this blog. As I entered the building I said the following, "Hey, I left my schedule in my drawer." To which she replied, "Yeah...I just saw your schedule and some paper with weird stuff written on it. I put them both in your box." I was horrified knowing that she had read my notes, because the notes read out of context make it seem like I'm a raving lunatic. I thought about trying to explain what the notes were, but could not think of a way to do so that would not make me seem like more of a psycho.
If at this point you think that I'm overreacting, here is exactly what is written in my notes. Imagine what the poor girl reading the following, who has no idea what the notes refer to, was thinking about me as she read these.
1. All weapons and army stuff from flea market for $5
2. Red haired sister...looks like Chucky, but her skin is not made of plastic
3. put on some muscle
4. torture terrorists
5. do for country, greatest country
6. arthritis popping knuckles
7. no lock on bedroom door
8. caramel on lips, so I don't need anymore twix
9. I wiped so much caramel on my pants they look like they do when me and my dad walk in the
Tar River
10. AC/DC Highway to Hell
11. teacher dug fingernails into my hands, and I still don't know how she is not in jail for child
abuse
What you just read were all things the student talked about during our hour together, but the poor girl at the learning center must now think that I am some delusional madman that records his mind rants!!
Any suggestions on how to make this situation better?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Bus Stop pt. 2
Last month I turned forty-one. There is really nothing remarkable about me, despite whatever you have read in the papers. I’m average height and weight for a man who stands 5’9 ½, though I have to admit that I’ve noticed since turning forty that my waistline seems to keep expanding more and more each day. At the early age of twenty-six I began falling victim to the dreaded horseshoe balding pattern, so I decided on a whim to shave all my hair off. I’ve been bald ever since. I believe if you’re going to do something you should go balls to the wall, as my little league coach used to say. Nowadays, I have no real family to speak of. No kids. No wife. No girlfriend. In fact the last real meaningful relationship I had was with my old border collie Bozo who died two years ago at the ripe old age of thirteen. The only other thing of any real interest about me is that in a few short hours I’ll be dead.
To get you where we are, I think I’d better share where I’ve been. It all started with the man in white…the goddamn man in white. As early as elementary school I have had a recurring dream of the man in white. Who exactly is the man in white, and why did I ever start dreaming of him I don’t know. I will however share with you what I do know, and that involves five things that are an absolute certainty about the man in white:
Number One – He has haunted my dreams since I was eight years old.
Number Two – I have never seen his face.
Number Three – He has never spoken a word, nor made any sound at all.
Number Four – When I told my father about the dreams, he told me my imagination
was too big and proceeded to beat me with a power saw extension cord
for what seemed like forever. In reality, it was closer to fifteen
minutes. Throughout he repeated over and over the same five words
that I’ve never forgotten, “Do not ever come back!”
Number Five – I have never spoken another word about the man in white until this
moment.
The subject matter of the dream is of no importance to the man in white. He comes and goes throughout my dreams with the same frequency that the wind changes direction. Ever present and always lurking, I have on occasion tried to confront him when having particularly lucid dreams in which I am in control of myself in my dreams rather than simply watching events take place. Never once has a confrontation between me and the man in white been successful, as he is always just out of reach. Until recent events the man in white had become such a part of my life through his repeated visits to my dreams that I thought no more about him than a person thinks about breathing. Obviously, since last week I’ve done nothing but think of the man in white…the goddamn man in white.
To get you where we are, I think I’d better share where I’ve been. It all started with the man in white…the goddamn man in white. As early as elementary school I have had a recurring dream of the man in white. Who exactly is the man in white, and why did I ever start dreaming of him I don’t know. I will however share with you what I do know, and that involves five things that are an absolute certainty about the man in white:
Number One – He has haunted my dreams since I was eight years old.
Number Two – I have never seen his face.
Number Three – He has never spoken a word, nor made any sound at all.
Number Four – When I told my father about the dreams, he told me my imagination
was too big and proceeded to beat me with a power saw extension cord
for what seemed like forever. In reality, it was closer to fifteen
minutes. Throughout he repeated over and over the same five words
that I’ve never forgotten, “Do not ever come back!”
Number Five – I have never spoken another word about the man in white until this
moment.
The subject matter of the dream is of no importance to the man in white. He comes and goes throughout my dreams with the same frequency that the wind changes direction. Ever present and always lurking, I have on occasion tried to confront him when having particularly lucid dreams in which I am in control of myself in my dreams rather than simply watching events take place. Never once has a confrontation between me and the man in white been successful, as he is always just out of reach. Until recent events the man in white had become such a part of my life through his repeated visits to my dreams that I thought no more about him than a person thinks about breathing. Obviously, since last week I’ve done nothing but think of the man in white…the goddamn man in white.
Monday, September 6, 2010
"I got stuff to do!"
Here is yet another in my somewhat continuous installment of encounters with students that leave me scratching my head and saying, "uhhh...". A few weeks ago I had the thrill to tutor a student at a local learning center I've been working at part time for about 4 years. Upon entering the center and walking to my table I realized this was a student I had tutored for a couple of weeks when I first started. The young man I remember from 4 years ago was polite, intelligent, and a hardworker. Well...time certainly changed things.
Here is how the hour began, and please note that I'm writing this as close to word for word as possible.
ME: Hey, how are you today?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What school do you go to?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What's your favorite subject?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What's your least favorite subject?
STUDENT: Math.
ME: Oh yeah...why is that?
STUDENT: Cause I get A's.
At this point my confusion begins, and by the end of the hour I would be left trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. After giving the student his first assignment the conversation continued,
ME: Do you understand what to do?
STUDENT: I don't know.
After a few minutes had passed...
ME: Do you need some help?
STUDENT: I don't know.
Once he had completed the assignment, he looks to me and says the following,
STUDENT: I'm done...this is 4th grade work. It's too easy for me.
ME: oh yeah.
The young man was absolutely correct in saying that the work was easy, and in fact it was 3rd grade work. However, after checking his work he got every single problem wrong !
This type of thing continued throughout the remainder of our time together, but there was one more incident of insane hilarity that occurred about 37 minutes in...
STUDENT: You owe me a thousand dollars.
ME: What? Why?
STUDENT: Cause you taught me how to do that.
Again, I'm left scratching my head as to what in the world he is talking about. The next thing to happen 2 minutes later put the icing on the cake.
STUDENT: I need to use the bathroom.
ME: OK...go ahead.
STUDENT: (screaming out loud as he is walking across the center to the restroom) I GOT STUFF TO DO!!
Of course all heads in the center turn to the young man who proceeds into the restroom totally unaware he has garnered the attention of everyone. He then spent the next 3-4 minutes in the restroom screaming a litany of unintelligible words.
Here is how the hour began, and please note that I'm writing this as close to word for word as possible.
ME: Hey, how are you today?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What school do you go to?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What's your favorite subject?
STUDENT: I don't know.
ME: What's your least favorite subject?
STUDENT: Math.
ME: Oh yeah...why is that?
STUDENT: Cause I get A's.
At this point my confusion begins, and by the end of the hour I would be left trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. After giving the student his first assignment the conversation continued,
ME: Do you understand what to do?
STUDENT: I don't know.
After a few minutes had passed...
ME: Do you need some help?
STUDENT: I don't know.
Once he had completed the assignment, he looks to me and says the following,
STUDENT: I'm done...this is 4th grade work. It's too easy for me.
ME: oh yeah.
The young man was absolutely correct in saying that the work was easy, and in fact it was 3rd grade work. However, after checking his work he got every single problem wrong !
This type of thing continued throughout the remainder of our time together, but there was one more incident of insane hilarity that occurred about 37 minutes in...
STUDENT: You owe me a thousand dollars.
ME: What? Why?
STUDENT: Cause you taught me how to do that.
Again, I'm left scratching my head as to what in the world he is talking about. The next thing to happen 2 minutes later put the icing on the cake.
STUDENT: I need to use the bathroom.
ME: OK...go ahead.
STUDENT: (screaming out loud as he is walking across the center to the restroom) I GOT STUFF TO DO!!
Of course all heads in the center turn to the young man who proceeds into the restroom totally unaware he has garnered the attention of everyone. He then spent the next 3-4 minutes in the restroom screaming a litany of unintelligible words.
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